On my desk in Preparation: A DSM-7 research paper on Borderline Clown Disorder (BCD). BCD can best be defined in two axes...

On my desk in Preparation:

A DSM-7 research paper on Borderline Clown Disorder (BCD).

BCD can best be defined in two axes.

BCD Axis I: In terms of the Diagnostic Stream and Clown Continuum, Axis I consists of behavioural quirks and neuroses within a salient consortium involving a full spectrum of signs and symptomatology including:

1: Oversized Perpetual Smile or Perpetual Frown (those clowns shifting quickly from smile to frown are recognised as 'fluid' or 'mixed state' within Axis I).

2: A mask-like pale face as if covered with white paint or make up

3: Loose and baggy colourful clothes

4: Unkempt, often orange, bedraggled hair

5: Very large floppy shoes

6: Silly hats

7: A bow tie that spins

8: Inappropriate horn honking in public

9: A propensity for falling over/causing chaos/self deprecation

10: Mood elevation, sometimes involving stilts

11: Incongruent Affect

12: Bizarre delight in 'antics'.

Prodromal Manifestations of BCD Axis I:

1: Lurking in Shadows

2: Muttering, whispering, giggling and hand-wringing when alone

3: Hanging around late at night in dimly lit areas carrying a plastic chicken by the throat

4: Travelling in tightly packed groups with other clowns and arriving at destinations cramped inside very tiny cars.

BCD Axis II:

BCD Axis II is also known as Psychotic Clown Disorder or Pierrot's Disease/White Clown Psychosis. The signs and symptomatology is quite different to Axis I in that the clown, per se, resembles the classic Pierrot character, in terms of white painted face, with the only definitions on the face being heavy black eyebrows and a pouting (but never smiling) slightly oversized black lipped mouth.

The dress of the White Clown is quite different to that of Axis I clowns in that the White Clown is white-suited, well fitting, sometimes with gold accents, and often wears a conical hat and white gloves. The White Clown (BCD Axis II) is always right handed.

Signs and symptoms of BCD Axis II; or White Clown Psychosis:

1: More intelligent than the rudimentary Axis I clowns.

2: More sophisticated.

3: Neither smiling nor frowning.

4: Narcissism

5: Bullying of Axis I clowns (described as 'disciplining')

6: Using a stick or short whip to punish Axis I clowns

7: Delusions of grandeur

8: Aggression

9: Cruelty

10: Cannibalism (involving any Axis I clowns who haven't run away fast enough).

Axis I Clowns outnumber Axis II (White Clown Psychotics) by 100 to 1.

Axis I Clowns live in perpetual terror of being 'disciplined' (beaten and eaten) by Axis II Archetypes.

The current increasing numbers of neurotic Axis I Clowns appearing in dimly lit streets late at night all around the world may be a sign of an over-population of Axis I clowns, world wide (Clowning is seen within the continuum of both Nature and Nurture. If one sees a bunch of Clowns in close contact, they may not be performing 'antics' per se...'antics' is a term used by Axis I Clowns to denote 'fucking'. These are , in fact, "fucking clowns", and this is why there are so many of them these days. It is well known that unsafe sex is one of the 'antics' of fucking clowns).

In this over population period Axis I Clowns may begin to 'cull' humans to ensure sufficient cream pies to throw at each other in a world of dwindling food resources... so there is some legitimate concern regarding their capacity for murder of normal folk.

It is interesting to note that in Axis I mythology that one day, some day The Great White Clown (Axis II Archetype) will return to the planet to first eat the hearts of all the Axis I Clowns and then to begin "The Great Discipline"...an apocalyptic vision very similar to the Book of Revelation...with the role of the White Clown being "The Vengeful God Clown".