I think it will now mature into a more cohesive and less 'eclectic' vehicle for the things I'd like to say and discuss.
I really appreciate that people from the USA, Australia, China, Russia, Nigeria etc find it interesting enough to visit. I appreciate this generosity of strangers in alleviating, in some ways, my basic loneliness.
I remain an Atheist who finds the transcendent moments in life so very wonderful and inspiring.
My life has changed, as time has gone by, and especially in terms of my work-life. I have moved away from clinical palliative care and I'm grateful for the lesser burden that the change has brought. I think we can 'lose our own life in care' and that isn't necessarily a good thing for anyone to do, really.
A more highly evolved man or woman could do so, I'm sure, and find meaning in absorption in the care of others, of strangers etc but for me it has led me at times to be a very angst ridden and bitter man and I don't like that dimension at all. I'm happy that bitterness is fading.
I did that work well and remain personally responsible for the 'bringing into being' a very good small Hospice which does wonderful work every day, or usually does wonderful work every day, in in-patient and out reach services...for more than a decade now, so, if there was such a thing as karma, and I don't believe there is, well, if there was, I would be pretty much 'set for life' in my spiritual soul, I guess...though I'm not...mainly because I don't have a soul. I know that.
I believe that I, when I encounter the transcendent in life, just appreciate the wonder of being a transient human being...and this is enough to fill me.
I recall at work one night the staff were worried that there was a prowler in the grounds, so I went out to 'check the perimeters' and one of my colleagues said: "Don't you want a torch? It's so dark out there..." and I replied, in a very Leslie Nielsen 'mock bravado' way...
"Look, honey, I've accompanied so many people, so many hundreds, to the point of their own deaths and the deaths of their fears, that it is the natural darkness that should be afraid of me."
That was probably the most humorous and arrogant thing I've ever said, off-the-cuff, in the moment...but, also the most honest.
My own extended 'near death experience' of last month where there was no fear, no anxiety, no light, no tunnel was a remarkable counterpoint for me in comparison with my life in general; so, from what I know of life on earth, and it ending, there really is nothing to fear. It's just so natural, whenever and however it happens.
My favourite quote from my Parents remains:
"We have made you neither of heaven nor of earth so that with freedom of choice and with personal honour, you may fashion yourself in life into whatever you prefer."
After this 'Life Lost and Devoted in Care' I am blinking and just looking around for the rest of my life, to see what joy is left for me.
So, after a life 'lost in care' I have not arrived at having a 'soul'and I doubt I could ever know what to do with one. I'm sure they are so very hard to keep clean... but the quirky warm arrogance is fully mine.
John.
Life is a Love Story. Love is a Life Story.
George Harrison:
"Life Goes On Within You and Without You"
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